School Is Out!

       Yesterday was my last day of school! It was an okay school day full of t-shirt signing, water balloons, and overly excited middle school students... and of course it dragged on forever. :) The saddest part was having to turn in our school computers, but something good happened. My family now has a Windows 7, which I personally think is MUCH better than Windows Vista. Anyways, I have spent my first day off configuring and setting up our new system and computer.
      I also started my job yesterday! Luckily, today is my day off. I say luckily because I needed this time to clean up my room, do laundry, study for driver's ed, and to just have a little break before completely diving into work. I will be working 31 hour weeks and be doing this all summer. Plus, I am taking Driver's Ed. I now have to fork over more than three hundred dollars to be able to get my license four month's earlier than before. I was hoping to get my own computer, but it doesn't seem too plausible anymore. :/ I am still blessed to have what I do have, though, so I will get over it. :)
      So... I haven't written lately, and this post is rather small, so I will expand it with meaningless, yet awesome, pictures from my current favorite anime. :)

Sword Art Online

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post, short as it may be. :) See you next time! (Soon to come: My first true experience at my job... Driver's Ed.... Animes...!!! XD)

My Testimony: The testimony of a teenage girl

I was born in a christian household, so I have been told about God my entire life. I have been “saved” since I could talk, and been in church for just as long. It still didn’t help me in the challenging battle I have fought, and still fight every day. I was diagnosed with depression in September 2012. It wasn’t until after I attempted suicide did anyone even seem to realize that I might of had it. This is the story of my battle to stay alive and happy.

In November of 2011, my father hung himself. He always seemed so happy around me, but that day... Everything changed. My perspective changed right along with it. I didn’t see the happy loving father I have always known. I saw a struggling human people, barely holding on to the concept of happiness and life. Also that year, my favorite teachers were fired during the middle of second semester, and my best friend moved forty-five miles away. I no longer felt like I had someone to talk to because everyone left so suddenly. This was the beginning to my plummet to the dark side.

As time went on, I wanted to always be alone, in the dark, and thinking. I invested all of my time in reading manga and anime, so I wouldn’t have to think too much. I knew if I did I would remember the pain of being alone. My family allowed me to do this, though they were beginning to worry.

After school started again, I thought I was getting better. I smiled occasionally, but it started to fall again. I stopped smiling, or caring. I didn’t make any friends at my school. I felt like an outsider from the start. It made me want to die. Maybe if I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t waste that space. There would be one more empty chair in the classroom, and I wouldn’t be such a burden to everyone. Finally, I cracked.

It was in September when I was plotting my demise, writing out ways to die and collecting miscellaneous pills I could find. I knew it wasn’t the answer, but at that time, nothing else mattered. I wanted to die. It was on the morning of September 24th that I sat on my bed holding a handful of pills. I had called my mom, telling her I was sorry while crying. She rushed home as quickly as possible. She found out what was going on and then took me to crisis care. After that, I was sent to a mental health hospital. I was there for five days.

Those five days were my turning point. The girls there were nice and everyone understood each other. We understood the feeling of emptiness and nothingness. I also got closer to God there. We spoke a lot in  group sessions, and most of the workers were Christian. They would mention that every once in awhile. It reminded me of how he can help anyone, even a girl who wished to die. By the time I left, I felt so much better. I was on medication, but it didn’t feel like false happiness. I genuinely felt glad to be alive and to be with my family, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Since then, I have been getting better. I have my down moments, but I just have to turn to him and he will save me. My happiness doesn’t come from a little blue pill. It comes from the love I receive from God. I can only hope to share this with someone who has that same feeling of loneliness and brokenness as I did, and maybe they could begin to see the light at the end of the long dark tunnel, too. I have been diagnosed with depression. It is a long battle that I have to fight every day, but with God, I know I will win.

Permit: The good, bad, and why I still don't have one. (Small post time!)

      So, in my state, I am legally allowed to have a permit... The problem? I am a coward. I am basically afraid of hitting someone or crashing. :/ I would rather not hurt anyone or even kill them. I have read the hand book, but I still do not know it all. I will be taking the permit test tomorrow morning, so I am starting to worry. I hope I do well!

HAPPY BLOG POST TIME: My Cat!

      So, I have decided to do a tiny segment called "HAPPY BLOG POST TIME". This is mostly so I will remember to post something happy sometimes. I am a fairly dark thinker and tend to express what happiness I do have in person, so my writing contains much more darkness and sorrow. I though this would help lighten the mood! :) This one is about my cat.
      My cat is named Snickers, just like the candy bar. (Though he was not named after a candy bar, but after him smiling a lot and making these little snicker sounds while he was chewing on my sisters homecoming dress.) He is mostly all black, minus a small white patch on his chest. His eyes are pretty green. His tail in bent in the middle from an incident when he was younger. (Mainly, my mom accidentally shut my door on the cats tail...) He loves cat treats and cat nip, but what cat doesn't! Also, he is two years old, three this year. We aren't completely sure on his birthday, but we are pretty sure is is near the beginning of October.
      When he was a little kitten, and we had just gotten him, I had him sleep in my bedroom. I guess I was just insane, or stupid, because he would pull down my curtains and I then expected him to just leave them alone. Wrong. He would rip them down entirely and then play with them. Needless to say, he isn't allowed in my room anymore.
      He used to be my cat, but he really didn't like me much. He loved (still does) my sister much more than he ever loved me. So, he became my sister's baby. She adores him and does everything for him. He wakes her up every morning and she then proceeds to happily feed him, even if he already has food. :/ He is a little king.
      Here are a few photos of him: (They are all sort of old though.)

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! :)

School and Tests

      Tests. I hate them, and today my teacher threw us a curve ball. He gave each of us three different questions to answer from the test and had us sit in a circle. We told the answers to our three questions to the rest of the class, and did the test together. It was more of a trust exercise than a test for science. It was pretty cool though, mostly because I had to think less. :)
      I promised to talk about school for you all, so here we go... :) My school is very small. It is for grades K-12. There are approximately 100 students in my school, and only twelve students in the high school. Six freshmen, five sophomore, and one junior. It is nice here because the teacher to student ratio is 1:6. It is very individualized.
      The students here are sort of rejects. We don't get by well with the traditional school system, or were bullied, or just didn't pass our classes at the other schools. There are the quiet ones, the loud ones, the funny ones, the pretty ones, the stupid ones, the outcasts, the artsy ones, and the other cliches that every school seems to have. The only difference, we are all several of those cliques. We don't fit into just one of them... We all get along fairly well because of this. Though, we still have those who outshine the others.
      There are two guys in my class that love to talk and make jokes. They are very funny, but get me in trouble when they talk to me! :) But other than that, I am a pretty good student. I enjoy school a lot, and love to be around my class mates. They allow me to smile a lot and laugh at the stupid things they say.. :) School is looking up a lot for me.. I am beginning to wish I was there on a Saturday because I get so bored at home.. Haha... That shows you how silly I have been lately... :D Anyways, I will talk to you all later!
      Coming soon: My cat... Kindergarten.... Movies... And fun! :) Bye!

My Best Friend

      I just found out my best friend will no longer be going to my school next year. (I figured so because she said it was a huge might that she would be... But she wasn't one hundred percent sure at the time.) I can feel a little prick in my heart, slowly puncturing an essential vein that allows me to care and trust anyone anymore.
      Originally, this girl and I hadn't really liked each other, but I hated feeling alone at school. She didn't hate me, but the year before some things occurred that made us dislike each other. Anyways, this year we became closer and are now best friends. I am sad that she will be leaving me. How about I tell you a little about her? Here we go...
        Her name is Hallie. (By the way, she has a youtube channel... You should check it out.) We have known each other for four or so years, and gone to school together for three years. We have only been close for one year, though. She is one year younger than me and is in one grade below me. She is really sweet and kind. She can make me laugh when no one else can. She puts up with all of my crap I say. (I always tease her even though she is so sweet!) I feel bad that the year she has spent with me has been filled with so many harsh words. She has made my year so much brighter, though. Just being around her makes my day amazing. Her smile alone makes me want to smile too! Friends are true treasures, and I am lucky to of had her as one.
      Luckily for me, she will still live in town and we will still be able to hang out. I will be able to tell her about all of the crazy kids in my school or the stupid things I have done lately. Though, we won't be to see each other during school, I will strive to live each day knowing that I still have a friend, even if she isn't right next to me. She still thinks of me as a best friend.
      Now to get out some of my fancy writing skills to describe why she is my friend and why I care enough to give her her own blog post. :)
      Depression is a battle that I fight every day... It is extremely hard, but when I am with her, everything seems like it will be alright. She may not be the brightest girl, but she is my best friend. She helps me even when she isn't able to help herself in that same situation. She puts up with my comments or snarky sayings I can't help but blurt out. Mostly because I am not capable of loving myself and fear that I will lose her if she sees the real me. So, I throw out those mean words to cover up it all. If she decides she doesn't like me anymore, I can blame the harsh words and teasing instead of who I truly am. Part of me wonders if she would still be leaving if I hadn't of done that. If I would have just thrown all of my trust in her and willing to be who I am around her... Maybe she wouldn't be leaving.
     I can't change her decision, but I can change my perspective on the situation. I want to see it in a positive light. She is leaving my school and going to her new one. I will still be able to see her often and talk to her. She will be getting the knowledge she needs and her life will be easier to maneuver and deal with. I want to be happy for her, but it is hard. I will just have to try. Try to make myself prepared. And try to let her know I support her decision, because even if she did stay, I couldn't guarantee that everything would be "swell and dandy". The future isn't predictable... I don't know what I will be thinking this time next year... Or what she will be thinking. I don't even know if we will still be friends then... But I do know we are friends now, and time.... Time is fast. Once it's over, you can't go back. That time is lost forever. I want to take the time I have left with her, and make the best of it... She is an amazing friend. She is my best friend, Hallie.

The Bridge

      Today, I went for a walk. I like to walk when the sky is grey and there are little to no people around. It allows me to think clearly. I didn't originally plan on going on a walk. A friend of my sisters was at our house, and they wanted to go outside. I went to. Outside felt so.. Fresh. My mind flew through the wind, brushing my hair into my face. I couldn't think straight. All of my thoughts were flooding to my mind and I was on autopilot. When they walked back inside, I said I was going to stay out a little longer. I walked onto the small jungle gym and stood. I looked out at the apartment buildings in front of me, but I didn't see apartments. I saw land. Grass blowing in the breeze. I stood and stared past all of the buildings until I felt a col tear fall down my cheek. My attention dove to the tear, curious of the occasion. I jumped of the jungle gym and starting walking.
      I wasn't really sure of where I was walking to. I wasn't even sure if I truly had a destination in the first place. It was as though I was trying to use walking to escape. As though it would detach my body and soul, and allow me to be free. I was sadly mistaken. I walked out of the apartment complex through a patch of damp grass, not caring if my shoes got wet from the moist Earth below me. Once I reached the side walk, I turned. I walked down the long side walk connected to the middle school block. It was well over three blocks long, but only separated once by the bus driveway for drop off and pick up during school hours. As I passed the fence, I saw many dandelions. Normally, I wouldn't even bother to notice them, but today was different. I wasn't walking to reach a destination. I was walking to think. That is just what I did.
      I thought about the past events and memories that made me sad, being abandoned by the things I love most. The thoughts began to overwhelm my mind when I stopped. I was about have way down the sidewalk when I felt something in my black flats. I stepped out of my shoes and picked them up. The cement below my feet was cool and damp. I liked the feeling. I continued to walk until I reached the end of the side walk. I could turn left of right. Left lead to the front door of the middle school. Right lead to a bridge. I loved that bridge. I turned right.
      The bridge is some where I go when I want to think. It was a bridge meant for cars to drive over the busy highway below, but it also had a pedestrian bridge attached to it. To get there, I would have to walk a block and a half from were I was. Past ten houses. Cross one street. Some how, it all felt so far away, and yet so close. I could feel it pulling me towards it.
      When I was five houses down, a car was pulling out of the drive way. I paused one house down so I wouldn't be suspected as an odd person, though I could feel them looking at me. Judging my decision to wear the clothes I did, and walking around barefoot on the sidewalk. After they had backed out completely, I began walking again, but this time with a quicker pace. The faster I got to the bridge, the more time I would have to stay.
      After crossing the street, the sidewalk got wider. It was smoother and the surface was colder than the previous sidewalk. I felt the newness of it all. Finally, after walking up the hill, I came across the metal bar, surrounded by a thing layer of black asphalt, separating the sidewalk from the bridge. I stepped across it as the wind began to pick up, brushing my bangs away from my face. I felt free up there. I wanted to stand there forever, feeling the cool breeze brush against my face. I left though. I had to go home, but as I was walking away, it felt as though I left all of my burdens on that bridge, and I was free... At least for today.

Late Introduction :)

Now, I know my last blog posts haven't been too happy and cheerful.. I am not really as sad and depressing as I sound in my posts. Truly I am a fairly optimistic and joyful girl... But when I get to writing, the feelings I am unable to express to anyone just flow out of me. As though my brain switches to auto pilot as I type out the words I have longed to say for years. That is why, for this post, I will be talking about happy things! :)
So, yesterday I went to my old blog. (I had very little posts.) And read all of them. I really enjoy doing that. Reading old journals, or blogs, to see how I as a person have changed. (By the way, this is the my old blog: Moustache Love) I wanted to transfer those posts to this blog, but.... I have no idea how to do that, so imma just leave them over there... :)
      Well, I haven't really introduced myself yet, have I? I guess I was so caught up in the emotions I have been holding in for so long that I forgot to do so... Well, here I go!
      My name is Noel. My birthday is December 18th. I hate long walks on the beach, mostly because I dislike the ocean and sand feels gross against my skin... Especially when it is wet. (That's what she said.... ;P) I am a sophomore in high school. I love drawing, writing, and singing the most, out of all of my hobbies and interests. They are yet another way to release my pain and unspoken words. I make youtube videos of my drawings and such. Some are also of school projects, though. (Youtube Channel) Also, I have a job at my towns soup kitchen and another local charity organization. I have been diagnosed with depression (big shocker there.... |-/), anxiety (why I hate people...), and OCD. My OCD is so bad that when people say "Shouldn't you be calling it CDO? So it is in alphabetical order.." I want to hit them in the face. OCD is an acronym that stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. CDO would make it mean Compulsive Disorder Obsessive. That doesn't make sense! I get very aggravated over that. (But that isn't saying much due to the fact that I get irritated over some of the smallest things.)
      NEW PARAGRAPH TIME! This one is all about my love of manga and anime. :) I am too indecisive to choose favorites for almost all categories, but manga and anime is in a league of its own. A few questions I ask myself (because no one else really asks me anything) about manga and anime:

Q: Do you like anime or manga more? Why?
A: I enjoy manga more. I have more time to process everything and my mind and emotions respond better to the still images.

Q: How do you pronounce "manga"?
A:  Mon-gah (The way the Japanese pronounce it. The correct way.)

Q: What is your favorite manga?
A: Special A by Maki Minami

Q: What is your favorite anime?
A: Fruits Basket (XD YUKI AND KYO!)

Q: What kind of manga/anime do you like? (Subject matter, genre, etc.)
A: I like a lot of romance and shoujo. Depending on the anime or manga though, I will read others outside of my usual comfort zone... (Such as: Death Note, Durarara!!, Bleach, etc.)

Q: Who is your favorite manga author? Why?
A: Maki Minami. I love her drawing style and the creative plots she thinks of.

Q: Do you like the older or newer style of anime?
A: I enjoy the newer. (Only because I have seen very little of the older... Pokemon: Indigo League, Cowboy Bebop....)

Q: How long have you been interested in manga/anime?
A: For one year in June.. I haven't been a (sort of) otaku for a long time or anything, but I still have loved every moment of it. :)

Q: Are you also interested in the Japanese culture?
A: Yes! Right now I am learning Japanese in hopes that one day I can visit Japan and actually understand people.

Q: Why did you first start watching anime and reading manga?
A: I was really bored one summer and found Fruits Basket on Netflix. (Yes, my favorite is the first one I have ever watched...) I began watching it and fell in love! After I finished the series I wanted to watch more anime.. So I watched Ouran High School Host Club. I wanted it to continue.... :( So, I went to the manga to see if it was longer, and sure enough.. It was! (Such a sweet ending by the way! XD) That is what got me into manga... :) Now, I am totally in love with it!

      So, I have answered those questions, and it sort of seems like I am completely obsessed... Haha :) I do watch other things though, not just anime. And I read actual novels, with only words. Currently, I am reading Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It is fairly good, but not really my style. I am required to read it for class, so that is the only reason why I am even reading it still. (The book is good, I just cry too much... I understand how the family feels following her death...)

      Soon to come: A post on my cat... Some crazy and cool photos.... My hair!!! And finaly the most important one.... A post all about school and how I survive it. :) See you next time!

Paintball Battle Field

      I have this friend, and he is really amazing. He is always nice and kind to me. He sees me and accepts me. The only problem, the real me is yet to come. This friend knows me for the front I expose, not the real thing. I am afraid that they will no longer like me if they see who I truly am... A confused girl not understanding life or even what true happiness is. Do I just let him believe this is truly who I am? Or do I trust in him, and myself, to let my guard down and finally learn what this happiness is? Not everything is simple in my world of color. It isn't just black and white, nor is it gray. It is every color. I like them to be painted in long thing columns. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple... All in simple rows. They don't touch each other, and nor do they dare to mix... Well, that is how I wish it to be. In reality, they are every where. Mixing and shaking and making my head want to explode from life and the paint balls dart towards me, faster than a bullet. I am never able to dodge them. My mind is like this. Unable to process anything. You know that episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants when Squidward tells Sponge Bob to empty his mind? Well, that is how unorganized my mind is. (Though I do think I am more intelligent than Sponge Bob, but that doesn't say a lot considering I also think a rock is too.) I wish I could declutter my mind and make my head clear again. Maybe then I can escape it all, and understand who I am. I know who I am by my birth certificate and dictionary definition, but I want to know who I am by my OWN definition. How am I going to define myself when I can barely understand how to act around other people.  My definition of myself is still under discussion (yes, with myself), and my life is still a paintball battle field of bright neon colors hurling towards me, but somehow... I know I will get through this.

Live.

I am beginning to question myself. Am I truly as invisible as I think I am? Or am I just saying it as an excuse so I won't have to try to be seen and then get rejected or abandoned? I have been left behind, abandoned, shunned, and lost so many amazing things in my life. My grandmother, my childhood friends, my parrot (whom was like my parents baby), my father, great teachers I looked up to, and the best friend I have ever had in my life. Some of them past away, and some moved, either way... It still hurt. Sometimes it feels like everything around me is just fake and going to soon fade like everything else I have come to know and love. I try to accept that change is inevitable and that nothing is constant. Even I, try as I might, will change. I will mature, I am sure. I have already begun my transformation from child to adult. Only two more years until I become recognized as an adult by the nation. It feels like I can breath a little more knowing that soon, I will be able to start understanding myself. I may be a high school student, but I rarely understand my own thoughts. I am too indecisive to choose my favorite color. How do people expect me to choose what college I want to go to? Or what I want to be in the future? Or even process the thought of where I will be in ten years? To be completely honest, I see myself right here in ten years. As though time is frozen, I see me sitting were I am right now, doing nothing but this, typing to you. I don't mean I see myself still blogging in ten years. I am unable to imagine myself in ten years. I live on memories, and the present. When I try to imagine the future, I get lost in thoughts of my past. I want to strive for something, but I can barely understand what it is I am trying for. Why am I trying so hard for the future I can't even imagine? I don't know why, but I do know that in the future, I will look back to right now and be thank full I tried. From now on when people ask me what I want to do in the future, I will simply reply: Live.