Paintball Battle Field

      I have this friend, and he is really amazing. He is always nice and kind to me. He sees me and accepts me. The only problem, the real me is yet to come. This friend knows me for the front I expose, not the real thing. I am afraid that they will no longer like me if they see who I truly am... A confused girl not understanding life or even what true happiness is. Do I just let him believe this is truly who I am? Or do I trust in him, and myself, to let my guard down and finally learn what this happiness is? Not everything is simple in my world of color. It isn't just black and white, nor is it gray. It is every color. I like them to be painted in long thing columns. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple... All in simple rows. They don't touch each other, and nor do they dare to mix... Well, that is how I wish it to be. In reality, they are every where. Mixing and shaking and making my head want to explode from life and the paint balls dart towards me, faster than a bullet. I am never able to dodge them. My mind is like this. Unable to process anything. You know that episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants when Squidward tells Sponge Bob to empty his mind? Well, that is how unorganized my mind is. (Though I do think I am more intelligent than Sponge Bob, but that doesn't say a lot considering I also think a rock is too.) I wish I could declutter my mind and make my head clear again. Maybe then I can escape it all, and understand who I am. I know who I am by my birth certificate and dictionary definition, but I want to know who I am by my OWN definition. How am I going to define myself when I can barely understand how to act around other people.  My definition of myself is still under discussion (yes, with myself), and my life is still a paintball battle field of bright neon colors hurling towards me, but somehow... I know I will get through this.